Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Mom Freakout

Ever since I found out I was pregnant I've had moments where it really hits me that I'm responsible for a fragile little life. Sometimes it hits HARD!

A couple of weeks ago my sister told me a co-worker of hers was about 3 weeks from the due date of her baby and he died. That really hit me - how fragile life can be and how lucky I was to deliver a healthy baby and even though he had to spend a week in the NICU he was strong.

My mom's cousin was riding a bike years and years ago with her two boys, and one was hit and killed by a car. That was always a sad story but now when I think - OMG what if that happened to ME I literally get tears in my eyes.

I'll think let's go out somewhere and sometimes I think "what if we get into an accident!"

I'll think let's go for a walk. We live in a larger city so there are busier streets and then I think "what if he runs into the street at the wrong moment!"

Last night I thought it would be nice to go to State Fair next year - then I thought "what if Hudson doesn't want to be in the stroller and we let him out and then he gets caught up in a crowd and we loose him!"

I now understand why my mom was so protective of me. I always called it overprotective. She wouldn't let me ride a bike, I didn't get to play baseball, I spent most of the winter in first grade inside for recess while the other kids played... So I was pretty sheltered. I don't want to be that way with Hudson, but I sometimes find myself thinking in that same frame of mind.

Am I crazy? How do mom's do it? We have this little human we have to keep safe. At Hudson's age he has no concept of what is safe and isn't, no grasp of danger. As a parent I have to protect him, it's the job I was given since he was conceived! But goodness it's hard to balance protection and freedom! Do mom's sometimes hold their breath and fight tears and say OK Go? Am I totally neurotic? I just want him to grow up to a healthy happy boy and then adult, yet the concept of it can make me cry.

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